The Rules of Rock'n'Roll

Note: read this in the voice of the Log Lady whilst pouring a cup of tea from a Royal Doulton Country Roses set.

THE PERSONAL ELEMENT

1. Keep swingin’.
2. Don’t ever stop practicing your instrument.
3. Don’t be an arsehole.
4. Don’t WANT WANT WANT WANT. Learn to give back first.
5. Don’t get defensive. Learn to take constructive criticism.
6. Don’t forget to learn how to take destructive criticism, too. You’ll get a lot more of it than you think.
7. Don’t forget that everyone’s an arsehole.
8. Don’t stop learning.
9. Never follow an artist who describes his or her work as dark.
10. Don’t lose your ambition.
11. Don’t lose touch of where you came from and who helped you out.
12. Don’t stop reading. Read more. Read a LOT more.
13. Don’t ever stop trying to meet new people and fans.
14. Don’t stop practicing. I fucking meant it.
15. Don’t make excuses.
16. Don’t make commitments you can’t keep.
17. Don’t say what you can’t back up.
18. Don’t exaggerate, everyone will see right through it.....
19. Unless you're in a sequinned suit, then you can do/say whatever you want.
20. Don’t be afraid to get into it.
21. Don’t owe anyone money. Pay it off as soon as you can.
22. Don’t think that they won’t fuck you over just because they’re a friend.
23. Don’t shit on the few friends that you do have.
24. Don’t be the guy who just floats along. Actively help your band out as much as you can.
25. Don’t rely on everyone else, make it happen yourself or lend a hand in getting it accomplished.
26. Don’t forget that you can’t change certain things, and bitching about it won’t help either.
27. Don’t forget how fucking stupid you are.
28. if you are a musician, don't get shitty if the crowd looks bored. It may be that they are introverts dancing on the inside.
29. Don’t be afraid to listen to those who are smarter and more experienced than you.
30. Don’t forget that sometimes you’re wrong. In fact, more often than not, you’re wrong.
31. Don’t pretend you’re innocent.
32. Don’t pretend to be above something. Get your hands dirty. Hurt your back. Get scraped up and some real work.
33. Play it till fans feel it.
34. Don’t live in the past or the future. Learn to love the moment and what you’re doing. You’re in a band. Love that fact.
35. Don’t lose sight of what you started your band for to begin with.
36. Don’t lose faith in yourself or your friends. They’ll help you out more than you think when you need it.
37. Don’t be naive. Believe it when you see it.
38. Don’t forget what it’s like to just be starting out in the industry. Explain things to people. Take on someone under your wing; teach someone something good.
39. Don’t blame the label. As a fan, you have no idea what the circumstances were. As an artist on that label, there’s always something you did that was probably shitty, too.
40. Don’t blame the manager, either. Same goes for them.
41. Every great artist hides behind his/her manager.
42. Don’t think bands are innocent angels. They rarely are as good as they make themselves out to be. They’re people just like everyone else, and that means they can be just as shitty as anyone else.
43. Don’t be afraid to lend a helping hand.
44. Don’t get into arguments with people/trolls on social media. Stay away from it. It’s pointless.
45. Don’t judge a situation before you’ve heard both sides. This means you should basically never judge a situation or someone.
46. Don’t forget that everything is a joke and that you shouldn’t ever be too serious. No one gets out of life alive.
47. Don’t forget why you got into this.
48. Don’t stop putting your entire heart and soul into every show. It’s cliché, I know, but it’s true.

THE GENERAL BAND STUFF

1. Being a rock star is a 24-hour a day job.
2. Great bands tend to look alike.
3. Don’t assume anyone will care about your band. They won’t.
4. Shit talking don’t get noone nowhere.
5. Don’t be that band that starts to do it for the money. It’s not that money’s bad, it’s that we can all tell you’re forcing it and no one appreciates a forced art form.
6. Don’t ask too much for your merch. It’s just a damn t shirt.
7. Don’t order too many CDs. It’s not worth having tons of them laying around.
8. The same goes for merch. Don’t order more merch than you reasonably think you can sell on a tour or in a small timeframe such as a month or two.
9. Don’t spend your money on stupid stuff. Spend it where it counts.
10. Don’t buy likes on Farcebook
11. Don’t try to buy your way to the top.
12. Don’t skimp on gear, either.
13. Don’t forget to practice with a click. Drummers and guitarists, this goes for both of you.
14. Don’t ever stop interfacing with the people that buy your music. No matter how big or small you are.
15. The band with the most tattoos has the worst songs (except Motorhead).
16. Don’t forget to do cool little things for fans while you’re on tour. a small note or a signed drumstick will go a lot farther than you think.
17. Don’t expect respect.
18. Don't be sexist or racist.
19. Jokes may not translate well or easily to other countries.
20. Don’t forget that you have to do your time.
21. Don’t assume. Make everything as clear as you can, and get it in writing at every chance you can get.
22. Don’t stop creating. Not just music, either. Create in every format you can. You are a creator, after all. Photos, blog posts, new music, share music, share ideas, just put out content.
23. Don’t forget just how many ways there are to reach out to your fans.
24. Don’t forget to post on every social media network every single day.
25. Don’t forget to engage appropriately with your fans. If you master this, you’ve mastered the music industry.
26. Don’t stop trying to improve your sound and tone, both live and recorded.
27. Any publicity is good publicity.
28. And, additionally, people will hate you for anything and everything. Don’t worry about it.
29. Great bands don’t have members making solo albums.
30. The three-piece band is the purest form of rock and roll expression.

BOOKING  & TOURING

1. Don’t ask for too much.
2. Don’t book a tour for your band unless you have the emergency fund to support it.
3. Don’t book a tour with too little notice. You’re just shooting yourself in the foot.
4. Don’t turn down a door deal because you think you can do better.
5. Don’t blame the promoter when you haven’t helped promote the show, either.
6. Don’t blame the promoter when you haven’t helped, period.
7. Don’t expect to play to 100 kids a night. Be grateful for 5.
8. Don’t forget to say thanks to the sound guy.
9. Don’t forget what it feels like to be the opening band.
10. Don’t forget what it feels like to be shit on by the touring band.
11. Don’t get a rockstar attitude.
12. No band does anything new on stage after the first 20 minutes.
13. If the drummer criticises the singer onstage s/he must play a Wipeout solo for 20 minutes.
14. Don’t kiss arse but don’t forget when to say thank you, either.
15. Don’t forget that the touring band usually needs a place to stay.
16. Don’t forget that they could use a place to shower, too.
17. Don’t think people will help you out just because. You have to give them a reason.
18. Don’t pretend to be better than the local bands you used to play shows with.
19. Don’t stop booking or helping to book your tours. Just because you have an agent doesn’t mean you can’t help out.
20. Don’t be the diva in the van.
21. Girlfriends/boyfriends/partners in the van upend the band dynamic and can make things uncool.
22. Don’t be too cool to say sorry. Come on, dude, you and I both know you were being an arsehole.
23. Don’t let what someone said get to you. Keep your cool.
24. If you pass out during a solo you lose your turn.
25. Don’t forget to have fun on tour. That’s what it’s really all about, anyway.
26. Don’t skimp on buying your van. Quality counts when it’s the only thing getting you to your next show.
27. Eat at cool places and do cool things on tour. Those memories are just as good as the rest of tour.
28. Don’t stop drinking water on tour. Dehyrdation causes fatigue and you’re dehydrated before you even know it.
29. Don’t pass up the chance to shower or swim. Ever.
30. Don’t buy anything that can go bad in the van. Meats, dairy, anything that’s perishable is a no-go in the van unless you eat it immediately. If it can’t sit for more than 30 minutes, don’t bring it in to begin with.
31. Don’t leave your dirty laundry everywhere in the van. Keep it in a sealable bag.
32. Don’t step without looking. You’re gonna break some shit.
33. Don’t gas up without checking the gas prices with the GasBuddy app. Find the cheapest gas.
34. Don’t get under a half tank of gas if you can help it.
35. Factor in potential for snow when booking tours. Hurricanes, earthquakes and other weather events are harder to predict.
36. Get to the airport on time. Get to the airport with plenty of time. Get to the airport on time. Remember your papers. Don't joke with airport staff - always remember they have the power to cavity search and you'll miss your flight.
37. Don’t pack too heavy, and I’m not talking about just your bag. Cut everything out of your life that you don’t need. Emotions and unnecessary clothes alike.
38. Don’t forget to call your loved ones back home. Family loves to hear where you’re at. Girlfriends love to hear that you’re not kissing another girl.
39. Don’t spend all your money on stupid stuff on tour. You don’t need that sombrero, homie, your money can go to better places while you’re being poor on the road.
40. Don’t forget to wipe a couple extra times. You can’t afford any leftovers, man.
41. Don’t forget to masturbate. That shit relieves stress. You’re a god damn musician, get creative and find a place.
42. Don’t forget to experience the locations you go to on tour. Find good food to eat, visit a national monument, go the Grand Canyon, check out Mount Rushmore, and take pictures.
43. Don’t forget to stop at cool places along the road on tour.
44. Don’t be a dick to the person who gives you a place to stay. Say thank you at every chance and try to do something in return for them. Clean the room you stayed in a little bit, help them do dishes.
45. Don’t be loud and obnoxious at 3:08 in the morning when you’re staying in a stranger’s house.
46. Don’t be the band who only cares about getting drunk or high after the show. Learn how to have a good time sober.
47. Don’t try and get out of driving duty.
48. Don’t let the drummer drive the bus.
49. Don’t stop talking in the van. Late night talks are food for thought and soup for the soul.

RECORDING

1. Don’t expect your drums to sound like Lars off the Black Album when you haven’t tuned them and put new heads on.
2. Don’t expect your sound engineer to work magic. This goes for live shows, too. Your instruments must sound good first.
3. Don’t show up to the studio without extra guitar strings, drum sticks, guitar picks, and drum heads.
4. Don’t forget to bring a source of entertainment. Studio time is 90% of waiting-for-someone-else time.
5. The second to last song on every album is the weakest.

LOCAL SCENE AND SUPPORT

1. Don’t talk shit on your scene when you’re not doing anything to help it.
2. Don’t be an arsehole, okay? Do you get it? Stop that shit.
3. Don’t think your band is the best. You’re not.
4. Don’t stop trying to improve your live show.
5. The guitarist who changes guitars on stage after every third number is showing you his/her guitar collection.
6. Don’t shit on local bands because they’ll hurt you more than you think.
7. Don’t steal from other bands; Learn the subtle difference between paying homage and stealing.
8. There was only one Jimi Hendrix and Robert Johnson.
9. Don’t show up late for the show. This goes for touring bands, too.
10. Don’t dip out before the show is over. Stay for all the bands.
11. Don’t be an elitist. If a band is doing well, then they’re doing something right, whether you agree or disagree with it.
12. Don’t stop supporting local music. If you start to get big, help out the local bands that you used to play shows with. They’re the same as you, and as much as you don’t want to admit it, they might deserve it just as much, if not more than you do.

FAN ETIQUETTE

1. Learn to distinguish between the music and musician. It's easy.
2. Band members will not solve the problems of your life.
3. But their music and dancing to it may help sometimes.
4. Expect nothing more from a show than a fun night out.
5. Play nice with other fans, don't use or abuse them. It's bad karma.
6. Don't be fake, other fans see right through it and you'll be called out at the optimally embarrassing moment. It's also really bad karma.
7. Don't pretend to be innocent, it's unseemly when we all know you're not.
8. At live venues, the smell of people who sweat after eating hash cookies is rancid and rank. If you have been eating hash cookies do not sweat please.
9. Some people like to make a night of it and enjoy a restaurant meal before a show. If you are sardined &/or garlicked up the front, male, and need to urinate, LEAVE and use the toilet - even if it's during the band, regardless of how much you want to catch the whole show. I'm sure people will understand and let you back in. Do not maintain your spot and whip it out.
10. Don't try and stand without moving in a moshpit - moving with the crowd is safer and sensible.
11. To crowdsurf or not to crowdsurf? It depends upon whether you have appropriate attire. Consider your knicker situation.
12. Being drunk is no excuse for bad behavior. Pretending to be drunk is unforgivable and laughable.
13. Don't sit on the floor at gigs apparently.
14. Don't wear a band t-shirt to their gig, unless they are the support act and noone is really there to see the support act. Apparently.
15. If you vomit into your beverage glass, do NOT keep drinking (a rock star did this at the Chevron), do NOT put the glass down and walk away. place you hand over the rim of the glass to seal it (and perhaps a hand over your mouth) and walk discreetly to the toilet. Tip the contents of the glass into the toilet and flush. rinse out the glass. take it to the bar where other glasses are waiting to be washed, or stack it with other glasses ready to be washed.
16. If you are in a venue and Milli Vanilli enter ... I offer no advice on what you should do, but you're clearly in the wrong place.
17. If you are bullied in the venue assess (a) the size (b) degree of inebriation of the bully, and (c) how many friends they have. If they are inebriated laugh it off, if they are big or have a lot of friends walk away, if they are small and yappy and you can also take their seconds, grab them by their collar and take them outside quickly and assertively and leave them there. Bullying may take the form of shirt fronting, inappropriate jostling*, name calling, putting items on your seat before you sit down etc. *do not confuse this with courtship moves.
18. If you are a female in a venue - and there are men there wearing jackets that say: Rebels / Gypsy Jokers / Coffin Cheaters / Bandidos / Black Uhlans / or Finks - and you drop coinage, think twice before bending over to pick it up.
19. If you are female and a drunk falls into your lap, put your arms around him and pretend it was meant to happen. Yes his breath stinks and he reeks, but you are salvaging his dignity. If he has a girlfriend there ... run.
20. No lighter waving if you are not in a heavy metal or ‘Big Hair’ gig.
21. If you are a violent or interpretive dancer, please confine yourself to the moshpit only. This is so that you don't annoy others by whacking their drinks from their hands, but also so that nondancers behind you may enjoy your moves too. Please note however that the moshpit may grow to take in the entire venue, in which case join in.
22. If you are female and a man approaches you for sex and you are so inclined, leave the venue. The wall of reek from the splashiness that occurs in men’s loos will stop any consideration of this location if you have any sense of smell. Do NOT take him into the ladies loos. For starters it’s cheap, tawdry and unclean, but some of you enjoy that, so more alarmingly, if he is tall his head will be taller than the cubicle partition and he may see into the next cubicle and vice versa. The lady in the adjoining cubicle may not appreciate it. Also it’s selfish if there is a lineup of people wanting to use the loo for what loos are intended for, and if there is a lineup it becomes an error of exhibitionism when you depart the cubicle. If you are female and a female makes the same proposition, it’s less alarming to use loos but still selfish. Take it outside.
23. and ... if you are in the loos where this is happening, DO NOT whip out your mobile and take photos of the activity going on and upload them to Farcebook. Doing so is unforgivable, encourages narcissistic exhibitionism and if you are later beaten to a pulp for doing so you deserve it. put your mobile phones away in venues, what happens in the venue must stay in the venue.
24. Do not wear backpacks into venues and move around a lot. Doing so will knock drinks from people's hands.
25. Don't talk during quiet songs. But most bands like interaction between songs, it gives them time to soundcheck, fix strings and get their breath back. Be LOUD between songs with banter.
26. Now that venues are smoke free, farting appears to be the new ‘blowing smoke in someone’s face’ offence. Try to avoid it please, the band won't thank you for clearing the room.
27. If police arrive at a venue, no matter how long you've been there you ''only arrived 5 minutes ago, have seen nothing, heard nothing, said nothing, done nothing and I’m going straight home very soon'.” No amount of reward offered compensates for the stress of witness protection.
28. If you pay a premium fee for seats at a concert, that is what you pay for, premium seats. If people rush to stand at the front and may obscure your view when the main band comes on, you have not paid for the right to manhandle them out of the way or tell them where to go. You paid extra for a seat, you got a seat – that is where the contract ends. If the band are OK with people standing in front of them then so should you be.
29. If you are gig security and someone gets up on stage to kiss or dance with a band member do not treat them roughly as you remove them (if you remove them – some bands are fine with people onstage). The person has got up on that stage out of respect and adoration for the band, and gentle guidance is all that’s needed. If they are carrying a knife or act in a threatening way then a different approach is warranted: RUN.
30. If you continually post comments to Farcebook/social media about a musician, do not believe it therefore entitles you to special access to that musician, or indeed some fantasy 'relationship' and privileges beyond the normal politeness that a musician may offer. It's a sense of bizarre entitlement writ large. You are no more special than anyone else.
31. Don't get drunk then post abusive fabricated rants on social media - instead make/buy a punching bag and boxing gloves and put it in your basement, or put a difficult password to lock your computer so you can't access it when drunk. No amount of excuses/apologies and deletions will redeem your behavior.

Sources:
the bulk are directly excerpted from @DylanLott at http://www.musicthinktank.com/blog/121-things-not-to-do-in-the-music-industry.html ;
http://www.rocktownhall.com/blogs/10-rules-of-rock-and-roll/ ;
and the back of Chris Isaak’s guitar ; plus several from my own personal experience

Is Farcebook repeating Myspace mistakes?

interesting excerpts:


Myspace
Myspace did everything itself. "We tried to create every feature in the world and said, 'O.K., we can do it, why should we let a third party do it?' " says DeWolfe. "We should have picked 5 to 10 key features that we totally focused on and let other people innovate on everything else."

Some ideas, such as classifieds, represented real business opportunities, DeWolfe says, but didn't get enough manpower. Others, such as karaoke, were niche products that diverted energy from less glamorous, more practical concerns. " ...... Gold says. "We went with a lot of products that were shallow and not the best products in the world."

Farcebook:
“Our mission is to get everyone in the world interacting with Facebook.... Platform is trying to help every site or app a person comes into contact with be more social and personal to a user. We are trying to build Facebook in some way into every single website people visit as most sites are anything but socially enabled,” he explained."

Excerpt sources:
Myspace: http://www.businessweek.com/print/magazine/content/11_27/b4235053917570.htm

Farcebook:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/facebook/8592132/Inside-Facebook-HQ-future-proofing-the-social-network.html

I don't care about climate change, but I want to cut pollution

Last night I watched Q&A (ABCTV  ) because the Katter Hat was on, and watched with interest his viewpoints on the live animal exports mess.  I’ll post my reaction to his commetns below*. Then the debate moved to climate change AGAIN…..  AGAIN and again the debate centres on whether or not our climate is changing as the government hires expert after expert to prepare reports on it.  But the question should not be ‘Is the climate changing?’ – that’s where the Coalition wants the debate centred. It stalls in phase one, it’s never ever going to progress from there.  The real question is ‘Should we all cut our pollution?’.  This makes the answer obvious – Yes.  It’s a no brainer, regardless of climate change. Following from that is ‘what steps can we take to cut pollution?’ and the carbon tax is one step.  

Why does the Coalition want to question the existence of climate change? Because it stalls any response to climate change.  The Coalition tends to be aligned with those who control society, the dominant incumbents, generally big business.  Dominant incumbents typically don’t want change, because change challenges their control of society, or the spheres of society they control.  Incumbents will typically stall change (using for example, levers such as regulatory lobbying, paying (questionable) ‘experts’ from the other side of the world to do a talk tour of Australia to spread their propaganda) until they figure out how they can maintain control in a changed environment, and THEN, and only then does change occur, while they maintain control. In the meantime, the Coalition stalls the debate.

This is all very basic and obvious. So why does the debate over the existence of climate change continue? I don't get it.

Simply ask ‘do we want to cut pollution?’.  The obvious answer is yes, everyone would say yes, but the dominant incumbents would then say ‘yes but at what cost’ and argue about jobs etc.  Whereas a change to green energy sources would not cut jobs, it just changes jobs. It changes jobs for the better – for example I’d rather work in wind energy than a coal mine.  Society needs to transition to cut pollution quickly, given the increasing negative forecasts on our future.  

To quote from the LogLady of Twin Peaks:

Complications set in--yes, complications.  How many times have we heard: 'it's simple'.  Nothing is simple.  We live in a world where nothing is simple.  Each day, just when we think we have a handle on things, suddenly some new element is introduced and everything is complicated once again. .... What is the secret?  What is the secret to simplicity, to the pure and simple life?  Are our appetites, our desires undermining us?  Is the cart in front of the horse? .... Is life like a game of chess?  Are our present moves important for future success?  I think so.  We paint our future with every present brush stroke.

* I’ve written heaps elsewhere in the last fortnight to support a live animal export ban, of all live animals to all countries.  Long distance transport of live animals intended for slaughter is inhumane, full stop.  Kill locally, quickly.  I won’t regurgitate what I've written here, but a quick response to Katter’s comments on Q&A last night: he said abattoirs can't open in north Australia because the need for them is seasonal - but so is fruit picking. And he contradicted himself in saying abattoirs are expensive but then repeated 'all that's needed is a belt and pulley' or similar. He made a valid point about refrigeration in Indonesia, but I suspect frozen meat goes off a lot slower than fresh.

Hastening a global reboot

CAVEAT: below is muddled thoughts as I think them, will edit as I go over time.

The tweets over the weekend by Umair Haque (@umairh ) seemed designed to create panic.  Today Umair lays the foundation for what appears to be a series of simple explanations behind his panic. His first post has made me think and I will definitely be reading this series: http://umairhaque.blogspot.com/2011/05/opulence-bubble-simplicity-mix.html  .

My thoughts over the weekend re his posts were couched in readings on the effect of mass panic on stock markets that knock on to economies.  To assuage fear and panic, I hope Haque later suggests positively what consumers can do. Yes consumer debt is way too high and needs to be reduced aka no more buying $3000 handbags during lavish global holiday extravaganzas on credit and such foolish silliness.  Secondly consumers need a greater motivation to be debt free (although fear and panic works).  But the answer cannot be 'stop buying' but perhaps buy better.  A sudden global reboot (as suggested by any message to 'stop buying') would be more painful than it need be.

Creative destruction takes time, and Haque's actions appear to be designed to hasten change rapidly (or promote a new book?).  It's risky. Alternately, one could ponder that the shift has already started and is a lot further developed than can be estimated because it isn't measurable or it falls outside of traditional measurement, it subverts the dominant paradigm.  For example, is anyone recording the $/volume of sales of 2nd hand goods?

Rather than panic and fear, is there an easy to follow, explicit guide/list of intelligent, sustainable, reuse, humane businesses/practices consumers should use to hasten the "titanic global reconfiguration" adjustment?  Has the global parallel economy been identified and described explicitly in a way consumers can grasp? (aka not in HBR talk).

Can influencers promote a list of businesses/practices? or is that already happening but the message isn't getting through to consumers because dominant incumbents are protecting their power base?  The underground/parallel economy needs to be made explicit?  How will individual governments react - with incumbents or change agents?  History isn't kind to that, but recent history is definitely kinder.

It will be good to read responses from economists and people I respect to Haque's manifesto.

!!!!ELVIS!!!!

Eric Alper (@thatericalper) adoringly put this awesome gem on his twitter feed.

ThatEricAlper Eric Alper

Elvis out of his mind and at the peak of his powers at the International Hotel in Las Vegas, 1970. http://dld.bz/YrBj

1 May

It was !!!!ELVIS!!!! so obviously I watched it. It’s noteworthy for just how tight and good the band sound (the bass guitar! whoooarh!!) and digging the crowd digging him.   Aren’t we lucky to have ‘free’ easy access to this material?  While watching I felt conflicted.  Namely:

1. His voice is superb, his body lithe, his crowd adoring, as Alper noted he’s at the top of his game.  Yet also, Alper notes, off his face.  His nonchalance verges on boredom and perhaps complacency, cruise control.  He’s too comfortable, too confident, it’s too easy.  Musicians need to be challenged, perhaps need an occasional failure to keep them striving, need the occasional reality check sans minders, perhaps need to wing it a little and digress from the setlist or jam? Maybe we all do in our lives and work.  The audience is all too adoring, but well.....  he was the KING and is his voice IS one of the best.  Maybe over-adoration led to complacency, maybe someone should have heckled.    Or maybe this is an encore and he’s already done the hard yards warming up the audience – although looking at it I can’t see too much sweat going on (yes I’m looking that closely).

2. I'm old enough to remember this song and the !!!!ELVIS!!!! Las Vegas era (as a kiddie whose Mum is a massive !!!!ELVIS!!!! fan)– it was 7 years before punk and this might be said to represent the era of excess and ‘comfort music’?  I recall at around the mid-70s living in New Zealand and being disgusted at the music on the radio there – even as a young kid I knew something was wrong, it was bland and irrelevant. But !!!!ELVIS!!!! was always KING.  Anyway I’m digressing…  I’ve lately have been listening and enjoying a fair bit of Las Vegas !!!!ELVIS!!!! (including this song) - perhaps it means the industry is at the end of it’s cycle and needing another disruption?  Yes it needs one, but will it happen?  I've been buying more old music lately than new music and that's a bad sign that I'm hoping is just cyclical - we all go through phases of disinterest and I'm hoping to get excited about something new soon.

3. Just as the song picks up speed the camera zooms in and out. It’s cute, novel, but distracting.  The distraction is an example of how technologists and their technology so often get in the way of the message when left unchecked.

4. Towards the end reminded me of that theory about how a persons’ dance style reflects their ‘bedroom style’.  Hoo wee.

5. It is so easy to watch this in hindsight with an armchair critics perspective, so I’ll stop now.

Cloud computing infographic

this makes it clearer and cleaner   but waiting on the Apple cloud

FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT sort of

hilarious!  This song reminds me of my youth (but despite the laughs I prefer the original):

Guide to Gig Etiquette

Motivated by frustration with people who attend shows only to (a) take photos of themselves at the show to upload to faecebook (b) hold their phone up for as long as possible filming the band and obscuring the vision of those behind them - taking ca.30 minutes so far I've started a

Guide to GiG Etiquette.

Below are some key points:

(1) the smell of people who sweat after eating hash cookies is rancid and rank. If you have been eating hash cookies do not sweat please;

(2) if you are sardined up the front, male, and need to urinate, LEAVE and use the toilet - even if it's during the band, regardless of how much you want to catch the whole show. i'm sure people will understand and let you back in. Do not maintain your spot, whip it out and miss the floor and instead urinate on the lady in front of you's new leather skirt that hasn't yet been waterproofed.

(3) don't try and stand without moving in a moshpit - moving with the crowd is safer and sensible.

(4) to crowdsurf or not to crowdsurf? Depends heavily upon your attire.

(5) being drunk is no excuse for bad behavior. Pretending to be drunk is unforgivable and laughable

(6) don't sit on the floor at gigs apparently

(7) don't wear a band t-shirt to their gig, unless they are the support act and noone is really there to see the support act. Apparently

(8) if you are a musician, don't get shitty if the crowd looks bored. it may be that they are dancing on the inside. Apparently

(9) if you vomit into your beverage glass, do NOT keep drinking, do NOT put the glass down and walk away. place you hand over the rim of the glass to seal it (and perhaps a hand over your mouth) and walk discreetly to the toilet. tip the contents of the glass into the dunny and flush. rinse out the glass. take it to the bar where other glasses are waiting to be washed, or stack it with other glasses ready to be washed.

(10) if you are in a venue and Eva Rinaldi enters ... i offer no advice on what you should do, but you're clearly in the wrong place

(11) if you are bullied in the venue assess (a) the size (b) degree of inebriation of the bully, and (c) how many friends they have. if they are inebriated laugh it off, if they are big or have a lot of friends walk away, if they are small and yappy and you can also take their seconds, grab them by their collar and take them outside quickly and assertively and leave them there. bullying may take the form of shirt fronting, inappropriate jostling*, name calling, putting items on your seat before you sit down etc.        *do not confuse this with courtship moves.

(12) if you are a female in a venue - and there are men there wearing jackets that say: Rebels / Gypsy Jokers / Coffin Cheaters / Bandidos / Black Uhlans / or Finks - and you drop coinage, think twice before bending over to pick it up

(13) if you are female and a drunk falls into your lap, put your arms around him and pretend it was meant to happen. Yes his breath stinks and he reeks, but you are salvaging his dignity. If he has a girlfriend there ... run.

(15) No lighter waving if you are not in a heavy metal gig.

(16) if you are a violent or interpretive dancer, please confine yourself to the moshpit only. this is so that you don't annoy others by whacking their drinks from their hands, but also so that nondancers behind you may enjoy your moves too. Please note however that the moshpit may grow to take in the entire venue, in which case join in.

(17) if you are female and a man approaches you for sex and you are so inclined, leave the venue. The wall of reek from the splashiness that occurs in men’s loos will stop any consideration of this location if you have any sense of smell. Do NOT take him into the ladies loos. For starters it’s cheap, tawdry and unclean, but some of you enjoy that, so more alarmingly, if he is tall his head will be taller than the cubicle partition and he may see into the next cubicle and vice versa. The lady in the adjoining cubicle may not appreciate it. Also it’s selfish if there is a lineup of people wanting to use the loo for what loos are intended for, and if there is a lineup it becomes an error of exhibitionism when you depart the cubicle.

Finally used condoms do not disintegrate in sanitary bins and venue cleaners aren’t paid danger money to handle them in any other bin. If you are female and a female makes the same proposition, it’s less alarming to use loos but still selfish. Take it outside.

and ... if you are in the loos where this is happening, DO NOT whip out your mobile and take photos of the activity going on and upload them to faecebook. Doing so is unforgivable, encourages narcissistic exhibitionism and if you are later beaten to a pulp for doing so you deserve it. put your mobile phones away in venues, what happens in the venue must stay in the venue.

(18) do not wear backpacks into venues and move around a lot. Doing so will knock drinks from people's hands.

(19) Don't talk during quiet songs

(20) now that venues are smoke free, farting appears to be the new ‘blowing smoke in someone’s face’ offence. try to avoid it please, the band won't thank you for clearing the room.

(21) if police arrive at a venue you ''only arrived 5 minutes ago, have seen nothing, heard nothing, said nothing, done nothing and I’m going straight home very soon'.” No amount of reward offered compensates for the stress of witness protection.

(22) If you pay a premium fee for seats at a concert, that is what you pay for, premium seats.  If people rush to stand at the front and may obscure your view when the main band comes on, you have not paid for the right to manhandle them out of the way or tell them where to go.  You paid extra for a seat, you got a seat – that is where the contract ends.  If the band are OK with people standing in front of them then so should you be.

(23) If you are gig security and someone gets up on stage to kiss or dance with a band member do not treat them roughly as you remove them (if you remove them – some bands are fine with people onstage). The person has got up on that stage out of respect and adoration for the band, and gentle guidance is all that’s needed.  If they are carrying a knife or act in a threatening way then perhaps a different approach is warranted.
(24) It's fine to move around in venues, move through the crowd. If you trip over someone it's good to turn and apologise quickly and gently, often just mouthing it will suffice (if the noise levels are high don't turn and shout SORRY in their ear).  If however you are drunk and trip over someone just keep moving towards where you are aiming for.  Do not try to turn around and apologise because in doing so you will most probably lose your balance and create an even bigger disturbance. Just be aware that whoever you tripped over (or whose foot you stood on) hates you, and is following your path with hatred.  If you are a violent dancer and leap into the air and land on someone's foot, it's good to apologise, but do keep dancing. To stop would make the person whose foot you landed on feel bad, on top of being in pain.

(25) It's OK to sing along, but please follow this general rule: if others can hear your voice over the music you are singing too loudly. Try to sing only key bits, not every lyric to every song, other attendees don't need to know you know every word. But if you're really keen, perhaps just mouth/mime evry word. They paid to hear the band, not you.
(26) If you are short don't expect special treatment, don't expect people to help you, they mght let you take a better spot closer in, but don't EXPECT it, don't take your height issues out on them. They can't help you, they are not responsible.

I’ve had a lot of feedback on this, 98% positive and one person said “your experience only comes from pub shows not stadiums”, which I’ll have to agree with.  Most - not all - of this comes from personal experience of attending gigs as a fan who paid for her ticket. That must mean I'm getting old, am I turning into June Dally Watkins or Ita Buttrose in my old age?

EVERYONE agrees that mobile phone use during band performances is irritating – why don’t venues do something about it?  

Coming up: sections on appropriate attire, manners in exchanges with venue staff,  manners for security staff and roadies, the pool table and/or juke box - what to do and what not to do, leaving the venue with dignity, etc etc.  Book offers from Publishers welcome!

feel like stopping in your tracks?

to watch this (from ozvault1 on YouTube) from the 2nd Melbourne show.  Three shows were not enough:

and from the beautiful Brisbane show, the audio recording on this one is wonky but it sounded great on the night and the clip gives a feel for the moody lighting and gorgeous suit and beautiful night outdoors, from wildhoney2204 via YouTube:

Car love, Motorhead love and my fickleness

Last night I hopped in the car to quickly pop up to Thornbury to a friends place to give her my ticket to MOTORHEAD and borrow a DVD (Gods Little Acre) from her massive collection.  In the last couple of days I’d noticed my car was idling slowly and put it down to my newly serviced generator and made a mental note to check it out.  On Queens Parade at Clifton Hill I got all green lights and was zooming when just before McDonalds my car seized into high revs like it was screaming at me. I was on the inside of 3 lanes.  Immediately I turned the ignition off and glided across two lanes (and traffic, and note my car hasn’t got hazard lights, but people tend to know it’s there) to the side of the road, and then into a car park, starting to smell that awful burning odour of metal friction without oil.  Sadly my car glided to a stop right out the front of one of the largest McDonalds in Australia.  It’s in a particular art deco building that I adore and was irritated when it was converted into a McDonalds.  I hate McDonalds and have boycotted them all my life. I refuse to go near one not even to use their toilets.   So I found myself parked immediately out the front of one.  Once I had adapted to that horror I returned my thoughts to the car.  I congratulated myself for defensive driving and successfully getting it off the road – that could have been nasty, especially as my steering wheel tends to lock when the motor is off.  

Rang my motor club and then opened the bonnet to investigate while waiting for help to arrive.  I could immediately see the problem.  The metal casing for the stud that holds one of my air filters in place has had a tiny nick of metal removed – no idea how or when it happened but it’s something on my list of things to fix – take off the metal casing and solder a little chunk of metal onto it.  I keep putting it off as it’s the sort of thing I could do myself at the farm with a soldering iron, and fortuitously I’m going to the farm this weekend.  But meanwhile, the stud that holds one of my air filters on the carburettor in place had worked it’s way off.  It must have happened quickly as last weekend I gave my motor a check and saw nothing wrong.  It was 8pm and light was fading but I retrieved the air filter, lid and nut from various places under the bonnet. Couldn’t believe I found the nut. But I couldn’t see the stud and, given the high revs I knew where it was but hoped not.  Instead I walked back to the road to see if any other engine debris was there but saw nothing and returned to sit in the car.  After an hour outside McDonalds my motor club man arrived. My motor club men (they are never female) are always quite affable and chatty, maybe because they like my car.  With him as moral support (and torch) I opened the air valve and ….. JOY!! The stud was sitting just inside it. Phew, it hadn’t gone into the engine.  BIG sigh of relief, we may be able to fix it.  Hopes rose, we both grinned. So the motor man got long thin pliers and I held the air valve open and shone the torch while he tried to remove it.  It was fidgety and slipped a little further into the manifold. We took deep breaths and I remained calm. It was like heart surgery, one false move and all would be lost.  He went to his toolkit and got out a magnet thingie and pushed it down into the manifold. But the stud wasn’t taking it.  It slid further away. We could still see it but there was no way to reach it.

“It’s a tow truck job now,” I sighed.  The motor club man stopped trying and agreed.  So he booked one, said it will be “20-40 minutes” and left and I waited outside McDonalds, breathing in that strange smell emitting from the place, looking at the "Angus Beef' poster and thinking of the pretty faces and funny characters of my parents Angus cattle. I scoffed and thought 'our Angus cattle would never go to McDonalds', but then I remembered one of our animals, a massive bull, that survived the drought and we kept hand feeding every day so he'd survive. One doesn't hand rear a 2-ish tonne bull without some love on both sides, he was a gentle giant with a sweet character yet also the leader of the pack.  But by the time we sold him at the end of the drought, only McDonalds would buy him.  I still remember Dad's disappointment and sadness.  RIP 'Bull' you're not forgotten, and we are very very sad that you became McDonald's burger, but you had the best life we could give you in a difficult drought.  But back to last night, I looked at people as they’d go in and out, only because there was nothing else for me to do - my phone battery had flatlined.  McDonalds is definitely not a place I want to loiter outside.


Over an hour later the tow truck arrived.  During this time I’d phoned my friend to apologise that I’m a no-show. When I mentioned ‘tow truck driver’ I sensed a sharp intake of breath from her.  But I’m not one to judge and kept an open mind about the impending doom.  He arrived in a shiny new tow truck and parked across the exit. Remained in the truck cab eating a falafel looking at me with a blank expression.  I remained standing next to the car, but eventually walked over to the truck.  He got out and said “sorry love I have been on the run working all day”. No you haven’t, I thought, you are sitting in a cab eating a falafel and you’re very late.  I smiled and replied ‘no worries’. He was short, stocky and had a black curly mullet, and gold chain necklace under his overalls.  He was also either grimy or sweaty or maybe both, with an odor of armpit and falafel.  But I too had engine grease smears so wasn’t one to judge.  I was wearing a red cardi with two embroidered rifles on the chest.  When he spoke to me he looked at them with an unaverting gaze, even when I replied to him.  “You need to tell me about your car,  what’s wrong with it? is it front wheel drive?” began the rapid fire questions and I answered them and he seemed offended that I knew the basics of my car and got a bit weird.  He started saying he’d been working all day and to tow it he’d have to push the car backwards (easily done as it was flat there and my car is easy to push, I've done it many times) and he was tired and 30 kms is a long way to tow a car……  I got his gist.  I was going nowhere with him. I then decided I didn’t want him to tow my car, I wouldn’t let my precious car anywhere near his carelessness.  So I pointed out where in the manifold the stud was and said if the car is towed from the front at an angle the stud might fall further back into the engine (=catastrophe) and did he agree it would be safer if it was lifted backwards onto a flat top tow truck.  He seemed relieved and went back to his cosy truck cab (and maybe desert) and radioed for a flat top tow truck.  Came back and said I’m a high priority so it shouldn’t be long.  Etc etc then gave me and my rifles a final narrow-eyed glare and drove off. 

I got back into my car and over the next hour started to need a toilet, looked into the windows of McDonalds thinking they allegedly have clean toilets but remaining resolute.  I will not enter under the golden arches.  Over an hour later a bigger tow truck arrived.   This time I was delighted in that the driver was polite, efficient, moved quickly, asked questions and didn’t flinch when I answered and in 10 minutes my darling car was secured atop the flatbed.  I felt a pang of heartstrings looking at it there.  It’s been towed before once about 12 years ago and I felt a similar pang.  I gave the driver the address and instructions of my mechanic.  He wanted me to come with him but I felt OK with him handling my car and really wasn’t in the mood for the badlands of the Moorabin industrial area after dark. So he left me there and I started the several kilometre walk home at 10.45 pm, carrying the contents of my car.  I felt like a Cormac McCarthy character, dirtied, sullied, bereft, and with a mobile phone with a flat battery.  But grateful to the second tow trucker.  

Walking home I thought long and hard about my car.  I've been with my car longer than any of my relationships, I love my car, we’ve had great road tips together, seen and done many things, I look at him and I smile.  I felt a real pang.  I’ve recently been thinking of selling him for a 1960's EK station wagon, now that I’m getting older and more sensible.  Perhaps the stud in the manifold was my cars’ way of telling me not to. Perhaps breaking down was his way of telling me I really should  hold onto the Motorhead ticket and go to Motorhead this weekend and not up to the farm/ Chris Isaak show.   I’m heartbroken that I can’t go to Motorhead, truly, I am a huge fan not only of their music but of the ethos of Lemmy.  I've even made a book about Lemmy. But family comes first, and there’s family issues and farmwork to do up north and I have to be there (and by the by I have 2nd row middle seats to Chris Isaak in Brisbane....). And I'm going to try and get to the Gold Coast Motorhead show.   I kept walking and pondering.   I haven’t been driving him as often as I should, he got dirty last weekend and I haven’t washed him.  Yes I had new carpet put in recently but then my Miss Melody Mae cat got in and clawed a little section and I didn’t chasten her, just removed her and swept it over…..  I’ve been fickle, negligent recently, inattentive, distracted from my car.  I've not given him the care and attention he deserves.  I live in a converted garage and my car sits behind a glass wall. As I move around my home I glance over and ..... he's not there.

I resolved my desire to keep life simple.  Buy the best once only and keep it for life.  And I'm so bonded with my P1800 that to me it is the best.

Today is another day.  Rang my lovely mechanic this morning who said yes my P1800 was there but the tow truck driver had left it across the driveway and he couldn’t get past it (I’d left a big note on the dash: “DON’T TURN THE ENGINE ON”, so they had to push it out of the way - but my mechanic is fine about pushing cars).  As always he was affable and happy to fix it today and I’m to call him tonight about the surgery outcome.  He also mentioned that he’d like me to put it in a car show at Flemington next Sunday April 3 (some European historical car show thing?) to commemorate 50 year birthday of P1800s.  Sheesh is my car really that old????  Mine is probably the oldest one in Australia -1963, 48 years old.  My poor little 48 year old car had the life thrashed out of him last night.  Yes dear old car, you WILL go to the show Sunday fortnight!  (will need to get new rubbers around the windows beforehand…..  ) . And then hopefully I can fly back up to Queensland and MOTORHEAD!!!!!!!