The Rules of Rock'n'Roll

Note: read this in the voice of the Log Lady whilst pouring a cup of tea from a Royal Doulton Country Roses set.

THE PERSONAL ELEMENT

1. Keep swingin’.
2. Don’t ever stop practicing your instrument.
3. Don’t be an arsehole.
4. Don’t WANT WANT WANT WANT. Learn to give back first.
5. Don’t get defensive. Learn to take constructive criticism.
6. Don’t forget to learn how to take destructive criticism, too. You’ll get a lot more of it than you think.
7. Don’t forget that everyone’s an arsehole.
8. Don’t stop learning.
9. Never follow an artist who describes his or her work as dark.
10. Don’t lose your ambition.
11. Don’t lose touch of where you came from and who helped you out.
12. Don’t stop reading. Read more. Read a LOT more.
13. Don’t ever stop trying to meet new people and fans.
14. Don’t stop practicing. I fucking meant it.
15. Don’t make excuses.
16. Don’t make commitments you can’t keep.
17. Don’t say what you can’t back up.
18. Don’t exaggerate, everyone will see right through it.....
19. Unless you're in a sequinned suit, then you can do/say whatever you want.
20. Don’t be afraid to get into it.
21. Don’t owe anyone money. Pay it off as soon as you can.
22. Don’t think that they won’t fuck you over just because they’re a friend.
23. Don’t shit on the few friends that you do have.
24. Don’t be the guy who just floats along. Actively help your band out as much as you can.
25. Don’t rely on everyone else, make it happen yourself or lend a hand in getting it accomplished.
26. Don’t forget that you can’t change certain things, and bitching about it won’t help either.
27. Don’t forget how fucking stupid you are.
28. if you are a musician, don't get shitty if the crowd looks bored. It may be that they are introverts dancing on the inside.
29. Don’t be afraid to listen to those who are smarter and more experienced than you.
30. Don’t forget that sometimes you’re wrong. In fact, more often than not, you’re wrong.
31. Don’t pretend you’re innocent.
32. Don’t pretend to be above something. Get your hands dirty. Hurt your back. Get scraped up and some real work.
33. Play it till fans feel it.
34. Don’t live in the past or the future. Learn to love the moment and what you’re doing. You’re in a band. Love that fact.
35. Don’t lose sight of what you started your band for to begin with.
36. Don’t lose faith in yourself or your friends. They’ll help you out more than you think when you need it.
37. Don’t be naive. Believe it when you see it.
38. Don’t forget what it’s like to just be starting out in the industry. Explain things to people. Take on someone under your wing; teach someone something good.
39. Don’t blame the label. As a fan, you have no idea what the circumstances were. As an artist on that label, there’s always something you did that was probably shitty, too.
40. Don’t blame the manager, either. Same goes for them.
41. Every great artist hides behind his/her manager.
42. Don’t think bands are innocent angels. They rarely are as good as they make themselves out to be. They’re people just like everyone else, and that means they can be just as shitty as anyone else.
43. Don’t be afraid to lend a helping hand.
44. Don’t get into arguments with people/trolls on social media. Stay away from it. It’s pointless.
45. Don’t judge a situation before you’ve heard both sides. This means you should basically never judge a situation or someone.
46. Don’t forget that everything is a joke and that you shouldn’t ever be too serious. No one gets out of life alive.
47. Don’t forget why you got into this.
48. Don’t stop putting your entire heart and soul into every show. It’s cliché, I know, but it’s true.

THE GENERAL BAND STUFF

1. Being a rock star is a 24-hour a day job.
2. Great bands tend to look alike.
3. Don’t assume anyone will care about your band. They won’t.
4. Shit talking don’t get noone nowhere.
5. Don’t be that band that starts to do it for the money. It’s not that money’s bad, it’s that we can all tell you’re forcing it and no one appreciates a forced art form.
6. Don’t ask too much for your merch. It’s just a damn t shirt.
7. Don’t order too many CDs. It’s not worth having tons of them laying around.
8. The same goes for merch. Don’t order more merch than you reasonably think you can sell on a tour or in a small timeframe such as a month or two.
9. Don’t spend your money on stupid stuff. Spend it where it counts.
10. Don’t buy likes on Farcebook
11. Don’t try to buy your way to the top.
12. Don’t skimp on gear, either.
13. Don’t forget to practice with a click. Drummers and guitarists, this goes for both of you.
14. Don’t ever stop interfacing with the people that buy your music. No matter how big or small you are.
15. The band with the most tattoos has the worst songs (except Motorhead).
16. Don’t forget to do cool little things for fans while you’re on tour. a small note or a signed drumstick will go a lot farther than you think.
17. Don’t expect respect.
18. Don't be sexist or racist.
19. Jokes may not translate well or easily to other countries.
20. Don’t forget that you have to do your time.
21. Don’t assume. Make everything as clear as you can, and get it in writing at every chance you can get.
22. Don’t stop creating. Not just music, either. Create in every format you can. You are a creator, after all. Photos, blog posts, new music, share music, share ideas, just put out content.
23. Don’t forget just how many ways there are to reach out to your fans.
24. Don’t forget to post on every social media network every single day.
25. Don’t forget to engage appropriately with your fans. If you master this, you’ve mastered the music industry.
26. Don’t stop trying to improve your sound and tone, both live and recorded.
27. Any publicity is good publicity.
28. And, additionally, people will hate you for anything and everything. Don’t worry about it.
29. Great bands don’t have members making solo albums.
30. The three-piece band is the purest form of rock and roll expression.

BOOKING  & TOURING

1. Don’t ask for too much.
2. Don’t book a tour for your band unless you have the emergency fund to support it.
3. Don’t book a tour with too little notice. You’re just shooting yourself in the foot.
4. Don’t turn down a door deal because you think you can do better.
5. Don’t blame the promoter when you haven’t helped promote the show, either.
6. Don’t blame the promoter when you haven’t helped, period.
7. Don’t expect to play to 100 kids a night. Be grateful for 5.
8. Don’t forget to say thanks to the sound guy.
9. Don’t forget what it feels like to be the opening band.
10. Don’t forget what it feels like to be shit on by the touring band.
11. Don’t get a rockstar attitude.
12. No band does anything new on stage after the first 20 minutes.
13. If the drummer criticises the singer onstage s/he must play a Wipeout solo for 20 minutes.
14. Don’t kiss arse but don’t forget when to say thank you, either.
15. Don’t forget that the touring band usually needs a place to stay.
16. Don’t forget that they could use a place to shower, too.
17. Don’t think people will help you out just because. You have to give them a reason.
18. Don’t pretend to be better than the local bands you used to play shows with.
19. Don’t stop booking or helping to book your tours. Just because you have an agent doesn’t mean you can’t help out.
20. Don’t be the diva in the van.
21. Girlfriends/boyfriends/partners in the van upend the band dynamic and can make things uncool.
22. Don’t be too cool to say sorry. Come on, dude, you and I both know you were being an arsehole.
23. Don’t let what someone said get to you. Keep your cool.
24. If you pass out during a solo you lose your turn.
25. Don’t forget to have fun on tour. That’s what it’s really all about, anyway.
26. Don’t skimp on buying your van. Quality counts when it’s the only thing getting you to your next show.
27. Eat at cool places and do cool things on tour. Those memories are just as good as the rest of tour.
28. Don’t stop drinking water on tour. Dehyrdation causes fatigue and you’re dehydrated before you even know it.
29. Don’t pass up the chance to shower or swim. Ever.
30. Don’t buy anything that can go bad in the van. Meats, dairy, anything that’s perishable is a no-go in the van unless you eat it immediately. If it can’t sit for more than 30 minutes, don’t bring it in to begin with.
31. Don’t leave your dirty laundry everywhere in the van. Keep it in a sealable bag.
32. Don’t step without looking. You’re gonna break some shit.
33. Don’t gas up without checking the gas prices with the GasBuddy app. Find the cheapest gas.
34. Don’t get under a half tank of gas if you can help it.
35. Factor in potential for snow when booking tours. Hurricanes, earthquakes and other weather events are harder to predict.
36. Get to the airport on time. Get to the airport with plenty of time. Get to the airport on time. Remember your papers. Don't joke with airport staff - always remember they have the power to cavity search and you'll miss your flight.
37. Don’t pack too heavy, and I’m not talking about just your bag. Cut everything out of your life that you don’t need. Emotions and unnecessary clothes alike.
38. Don’t forget to call your loved ones back home. Family loves to hear where you’re at. Girlfriends love to hear that you’re not kissing another girl.
39. Don’t spend all your money on stupid stuff on tour. You don’t need that sombrero, homie, your money can go to better places while you’re being poor on the road.
40. Don’t forget to wipe a couple extra times. You can’t afford any leftovers, man.
41. Don’t forget to masturbate. That shit relieves stress. You’re a god damn musician, get creative and find a place.
42. Don’t forget to experience the locations you go to on tour. Find good food to eat, visit a national monument, go the Grand Canyon, check out Mount Rushmore, and take pictures.
43. Don’t forget to stop at cool places along the road on tour.
44. Don’t be a dick to the person who gives you a place to stay. Say thank you at every chance and try to do something in return for them. Clean the room you stayed in a little bit, help them do dishes.
45. Don’t be loud and obnoxious at 3:08 in the morning when you’re staying in a stranger’s house.
46. Don’t be the band who only cares about getting drunk or high after the show. Learn how to have a good time sober.
47. Don’t try and get out of driving duty.
48. Don’t let the drummer drive the bus.
49. Don’t stop talking in the van. Late night talks are food for thought and soup for the soul.

RECORDING

1. Don’t expect your drums to sound like Lars off the Black Album when you haven’t tuned them and put new heads on.
2. Don’t expect your sound engineer to work magic. This goes for live shows, too. Your instruments must sound good first.
3. Don’t show up to the studio without extra guitar strings, drum sticks, guitar picks, and drum heads.
4. Don’t forget to bring a source of entertainment. Studio time is 90% of waiting-for-someone-else time.
5. The second to last song on every album is the weakest.

LOCAL SCENE AND SUPPORT

1. Don’t talk shit on your scene when you’re not doing anything to help it.
2. Don’t be an arsehole, okay? Do you get it? Stop that shit.
3. Don’t think your band is the best. You’re not.
4. Don’t stop trying to improve your live show.
5. The guitarist who changes guitars on stage after every third number is showing you his/her guitar collection.
6. Don’t shit on local bands because they’ll hurt you more than you think.
7. Don’t steal from other bands; Learn the subtle difference between paying homage and stealing.
8. There was only one Jimi Hendrix and Robert Johnson.
9. Don’t show up late for the show. This goes for touring bands, too.
10. Don’t dip out before the show is over. Stay for all the bands.
11. Don’t be an elitist. If a band is doing well, then they’re doing something right, whether you agree or disagree with it.
12. Don’t stop supporting local music. If you start to get big, help out the local bands that you used to play shows with. They’re the same as you, and as much as you don’t want to admit it, they might deserve it just as much, if not more than you do.

FAN ETIQUETTE

1. Learn to distinguish between the music and musician. It's easy.
2. Band members will not solve the problems of your life.
3. But their music and dancing to it may help sometimes.
4. Expect nothing more from a show than a fun night out.
5. Play nice with other fans, don't use or abuse them. It's bad karma.
6. Don't be fake, other fans see right through it and you'll be called out at the optimally embarrassing moment. It's also really bad karma.
7. Don't pretend to be innocent, it's unseemly when we all know you're not.
8. At live venues, the smell of people who sweat after eating hash cookies is rancid and rank. If you have been eating hash cookies do not sweat please.
9. Some people like to make a night of it and enjoy a restaurant meal before a show. If you are sardined &/or garlicked up the front, male, and need to urinate, LEAVE and use the toilet - even if it's during the band, regardless of how much you want to catch the whole show. I'm sure people will understand and let you back in. Do not maintain your spot and whip it out.
10. Don't try and stand without moving in a moshpit - moving with the crowd is safer and sensible.
11. To crowdsurf or not to crowdsurf? It depends upon whether you have appropriate attire. Consider your knicker situation.
12. Being drunk is no excuse for bad behavior. Pretending to be drunk is unforgivable and laughable.
13. Don't sit on the floor at gigs apparently.
14. Don't wear a band t-shirt to their gig, unless they are the support act and noone is really there to see the support act. Apparently.
15. If you vomit into your beverage glass, do NOT keep drinking (a rock star did this at the Chevron), do NOT put the glass down and walk away. place you hand over the rim of the glass to seal it (and perhaps a hand over your mouth) and walk discreetly to the toilet. Tip the contents of the glass into the toilet and flush. rinse out the glass. take it to the bar where other glasses are waiting to be washed, or stack it with other glasses ready to be washed.
16. If you are in a venue and Milli Vanilli enter ... I offer no advice on what you should do, but you're clearly in the wrong place.
17. If you are bullied in the venue assess (a) the size (b) degree of inebriation of the bully, and (c) how many friends they have. If they are inebriated laugh it off, if they are big or have a lot of friends walk away, if they are small and yappy and you can also take their seconds, grab them by their collar and take them outside quickly and assertively and leave them there. Bullying may take the form of shirt fronting, inappropriate jostling*, name calling, putting items on your seat before you sit down etc. *do not confuse this with courtship moves.
18. If you are a female in a venue - and there are men there wearing jackets that say: Rebels / Gypsy Jokers / Coffin Cheaters / Bandidos / Black Uhlans / or Finks - and you drop coinage, think twice before bending over to pick it up.
19. If you are female and a drunk falls into your lap, put your arms around him and pretend it was meant to happen. Yes his breath stinks and he reeks, but you are salvaging his dignity. If he has a girlfriend there ... run.
20. No lighter waving if you are not in a heavy metal or ‘Big Hair’ gig.
21. If you are a violent or interpretive dancer, please confine yourself to the moshpit only. This is so that you don't annoy others by whacking their drinks from their hands, but also so that nondancers behind you may enjoy your moves too. Please note however that the moshpit may grow to take in the entire venue, in which case join in.
22. If you are female and a man approaches you for sex and you are so inclined, leave the venue. The wall of reek from the splashiness that occurs in men’s loos will stop any consideration of this location if you have any sense of smell. Do NOT take him into the ladies loos. For starters it’s cheap, tawdry and unclean, but some of you enjoy that, so more alarmingly, if he is tall his head will be taller than the cubicle partition and he may see into the next cubicle and vice versa. The lady in the adjoining cubicle may not appreciate it. Also it’s selfish if there is a lineup of people wanting to use the loo for what loos are intended for, and if there is a lineup it becomes an error of exhibitionism when you depart the cubicle. If you are female and a female makes the same proposition, it’s less alarming to use loos but still selfish. Take it outside.
23. and ... if you are in the loos where this is happening, DO NOT whip out your mobile and take photos of the activity going on and upload them to Farcebook. Doing so is unforgivable, encourages narcissistic exhibitionism and if you are later beaten to a pulp for doing so you deserve it. put your mobile phones away in venues, what happens in the venue must stay in the venue.
24. Do not wear backpacks into venues and move around a lot. Doing so will knock drinks from people's hands.
25. Don't talk during quiet songs. But most bands like interaction between songs, it gives them time to soundcheck, fix strings and get their breath back. Be LOUD between songs with banter.
26. Now that venues are smoke free, farting appears to be the new ‘blowing smoke in someone’s face’ offence. Try to avoid it please, the band won't thank you for clearing the room.
27. If police arrive at a venue, no matter how long you've been there you ''only arrived 5 minutes ago, have seen nothing, heard nothing, said nothing, done nothing and I’m going straight home very soon'.” No amount of reward offered compensates for the stress of witness protection.
28. If you pay a premium fee for seats at a concert, that is what you pay for, premium seats. If people rush to stand at the front and may obscure your view when the main band comes on, you have not paid for the right to manhandle them out of the way or tell them where to go. You paid extra for a seat, you got a seat – that is where the contract ends. If the band are OK with people standing in front of them then so should you be.
29. If you are gig security and someone gets up on stage to kiss or dance with a band member do not treat them roughly as you remove them (if you remove them – some bands are fine with people onstage). The person has got up on that stage out of respect and adoration for the band, and gentle guidance is all that’s needed. If they are carrying a knife or act in a threatening way then a different approach is warranted: RUN.
30. If you continually post comments to Farcebook/social media about a musician, do not believe it therefore entitles you to special access to that musician, or indeed some fantasy 'relationship' and privileges beyond the normal politeness that a musician may offer. It's a sense of bizarre entitlement writ large. You are no more special than anyone else.
31. Don't get drunk then post abusive fabricated rants on social media - instead make/buy a punching bag and boxing gloves and put it in your basement, or put a difficult password to lock your computer so you can't access it when drunk. No amount of excuses/apologies and deletions will redeem your behavior.

Sources:
the bulk are directly excerpted from @DylanLott at http://www.musicthinktank.com/blog/121-things-not-to-do-in-the-music-industry.html ;
http://www.rocktownhall.com/blogs/10-rules-of-rock-and-roll/ ;
and the back of Chris Isaak’s guitar ; plus several from my own personal experience