Cloud computing infographic

this makes it clearer and cleaner   but waiting on the Apple cloud

FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT sort of

hilarious!  This song reminds me of my youth (but despite the laughs I prefer the original):

Guide to Gig Etiquette

Motivated by frustration with people who attend shows only to (a) take photos of themselves at the show to upload to faecebook (b) hold their phone up for as long as possible filming the band and obscuring the vision of those behind them - taking ca.30 minutes so far I've started a

Guide to GiG Etiquette.

Below are some key points:

(1) the smell of people who sweat after eating hash cookies is rancid and rank. If you have been eating hash cookies do not sweat please;

(2) if you are sardined up the front, male, and need to urinate, LEAVE and use the toilet - even if it's during the band, regardless of how much you want to catch the whole show. i'm sure people will understand and let you back in. Do not maintain your spot, whip it out and miss the floor and instead urinate on the lady in front of you's new leather skirt that hasn't yet been waterproofed.

(3) don't try and stand without moving in a moshpit - moving with the crowd is safer and sensible.

(4) to crowdsurf or not to crowdsurf? Depends heavily upon your attire.

(5) being drunk is no excuse for bad behavior. Pretending to be drunk is unforgivable and laughable

(6) don't sit on the floor at gigs apparently

(7) don't wear a band t-shirt to their gig, unless they are the support act and noone is really there to see the support act. Apparently

(8) if you are a musician, don't get shitty if the crowd looks bored. it may be that they are dancing on the inside. Apparently

(9) if you vomit into your beverage glass, do NOT keep drinking, do NOT put the glass down and walk away. place you hand over the rim of the glass to seal it (and perhaps a hand over your mouth) and walk discreetly to the toilet. tip the contents of the glass into the dunny and flush. rinse out the glass. take it to the bar where other glasses are waiting to be washed, or stack it with other glasses ready to be washed.

(10) if you are in a venue and Eva Rinaldi enters ... i offer no advice on what you should do, but you're clearly in the wrong place

(11) if you are bullied in the venue assess (a) the size (b) degree of inebriation of the bully, and (c) how many friends they have. if they are inebriated laugh it off, if they are big or have a lot of friends walk away, if they are small and yappy and you can also take their seconds, grab them by their collar and take them outside quickly and assertively and leave them there. bullying may take the form of shirt fronting, inappropriate jostling*, name calling, putting items on your seat before you sit down etc.        *do not confuse this with courtship moves.

(12) if you are a female in a venue - and there are men there wearing jackets that say: Rebels / Gypsy Jokers / Coffin Cheaters / Bandidos / Black Uhlans / or Finks - and you drop coinage, think twice before bending over to pick it up

(13) if you are female and a drunk falls into your lap, put your arms around him and pretend it was meant to happen. Yes his breath stinks and he reeks, but you are salvaging his dignity. If he has a girlfriend there ... run.

(15) No lighter waving if you are not in a heavy metal gig.

(16) if you are a violent or interpretive dancer, please confine yourself to the moshpit only. this is so that you don't annoy others by whacking their drinks from their hands, but also so that nondancers behind you may enjoy your moves too. Please note however that the moshpit may grow to take in the entire venue, in which case join in.

(17) if you are female and a man approaches you for sex and you are so inclined, leave the venue. The wall of reek from the splashiness that occurs in men’s loos will stop any consideration of this location if you have any sense of smell. Do NOT take him into the ladies loos. For starters it’s cheap, tawdry and unclean, but some of you enjoy that, so more alarmingly, if he is tall his head will be taller than the cubicle partition and he may see into the next cubicle and vice versa. The lady in the adjoining cubicle may not appreciate it. Also it’s selfish if there is a lineup of people wanting to use the loo for what loos are intended for, and if there is a lineup it becomes an error of exhibitionism when you depart the cubicle.

Finally used condoms do not disintegrate in sanitary bins and venue cleaners aren’t paid danger money to handle them in any other bin. If you are female and a female makes the same proposition, it’s less alarming to use loos but still selfish. Take it outside.

and ... if you are in the loos where this is happening, DO NOT whip out your mobile and take photos of the activity going on and upload them to faecebook. Doing so is unforgivable, encourages narcissistic exhibitionism and if you are later beaten to a pulp for doing so you deserve it. put your mobile phones away in venues, what happens in the venue must stay in the venue.

(18) do not wear backpacks into venues and move around a lot. Doing so will knock drinks from people's hands.

(19) Don't talk during quiet songs

(20) now that venues are smoke free, farting appears to be the new ‘blowing smoke in someone’s face’ offence. try to avoid it please, the band won't thank you for clearing the room.

(21) if police arrive at a venue you ''only arrived 5 minutes ago, have seen nothing, heard nothing, said nothing, done nothing and I’m going straight home very soon'.” No amount of reward offered compensates for the stress of witness protection.

(22) If you pay a premium fee for seats at a concert, that is what you pay for, premium seats.  If people rush to stand at the front and may obscure your view when the main band comes on, you have not paid for the right to manhandle them out of the way or tell them where to go.  You paid extra for a seat, you got a seat – that is where the contract ends.  If the band are OK with people standing in front of them then so should you be.

(23) If you are gig security and someone gets up on stage to kiss or dance with a band member do not treat them roughly as you remove them (if you remove them – some bands are fine with people onstage). The person has got up on that stage out of respect and adoration for the band, and gentle guidance is all that’s needed.  If they are carrying a knife or act in a threatening way then perhaps a different approach is warranted.
(24) It's fine to move around in venues, move through the crowd. If you trip over someone it's good to turn and apologise quickly and gently, often just mouthing it will suffice (if the noise levels are high don't turn and shout SORRY in their ear).  If however you are drunk and trip over someone just keep moving towards where you are aiming for.  Do not try to turn around and apologise because in doing so you will most probably lose your balance and create an even bigger disturbance. Just be aware that whoever you tripped over (or whose foot you stood on) hates you, and is following your path with hatred.  If you are a violent dancer and leap into the air and land on someone's foot, it's good to apologise, but do keep dancing. To stop would make the person whose foot you landed on feel bad, on top of being in pain.

(25) It's OK to sing along, but please follow this general rule: if others can hear your voice over the music you are singing too loudly. Try to sing only key bits, not every lyric to every song, other attendees don't need to know you know every word. But if you're really keen, perhaps just mouth/mime evry word. They paid to hear the band, not you.
(26) If you are short don't expect special treatment, don't expect people to help you, they mght let you take a better spot closer in, but don't EXPECT it, don't take your height issues out on them. They can't help you, they are not responsible.

I’ve had a lot of feedback on this, 98% positive and one person said “your experience only comes from pub shows not stadiums”, which I’ll have to agree with.  Most - not all - of this comes from personal experience of attending gigs as a fan who paid for her ticket. That must mean I'm getting old, am I turning into June Dally Watkins or Ita Buttrose in my old age?

EVERYONE agrees that mobile phone use during band performances is irritating – why don’t venues do something about it?  

Coming up: sections on appropriate attire, manners in exchanges with venue staff,  manners for security staff and roadies, the pool table and/or juke box - what to do and what not to do, leaving the venue with dignity, etc etc.  Book offers from Publishers welcome!